Weird Advice

How to Properly Preserve Human Pee:
Some Real Urine Preservation Tips

preserving yellow liquid

Maybe you know someone like this: they have a high paying, high tech position that provides them enough income that they can afford all the finest grade weed money can buy. And buy it they do. And smoke it like a chimney as well. Yet somehow, they always pass the random drug tests that are part and parcel of their job. “How do you do it?” you finally break down and ask them. “ Well my friend (they say trying to speak and hold their breath at the same time), my secret is a little thing called real human pee. ” They’re stoned out of their gord and think their cryptic answer is hilariously funny. You’re not so amused, and after a few more hits they finally come around to that fact. What they then reveal to you alters the course of your life (or at least makes you think about altering it).

The Entrepreneurial Spirit Lives On...

two thumbsupYour friend tells you that every six months or so they buy a supply of squeaky-clean urine from the local teetotaler who’s more than happy to supply it for a decent price. Your friend pays a pretty penny but is sure that this pee will pass any test regardless of how rigorous. And pass it does. He’s been using this method for several years, and it’s never failed in more than a half dozen random drug tests.

But How Can That Be?

male with questionYou ask. “Doesn’t urine break down completely in just a few hours? What do you do, freeze it?” Your pal pulls himself out of his beanbag chair and motions for you to follow him. You soon find yourself in the basement staring at an old refrigerator/freezer. Your friend gives you his best stoned James Franco face then opens the freezer door to reveal a dozen or so small plastic containers full of someone else’s frozen pee. “You gotta think outside the toilet dude” he admonishes you.

You leave your friend's house with a contact high and a head full of questions. Your friend told you human pee would keep for a year but just to be safe, he replaces his stock every six months. Is that true? Or is this whole thing just an elaborate game he plays with people who dare ask him how he manages not to get fired despite the fact that he could have been either Cheech or Chong in a past life.

The Secret (Shelf) Life of Pee (How to Preserve It)

You went home and decided to do some research. What you discovered was eye-opening. It's possible your high-tech-exec stoner friend was actually being straight with you. It is possible to store urine for extended periods of time - perhaps up to a year - and use it to pass drug tests. But it has to be done the right way.

  • freezerGet it in the freezer quickly - Urine will start to break down chemically in just a couple of hours, so it's crucial that you get the urine into the freezer as fast as possible; no more than 2-3 hours after it's be excreted by your donor.
  • Use the right kind of container - It's best to have your purchased pee stored in small containers because if you use a single larger one, you'll need to thaw the whole thing out every time you need just a little bit for a test. That will ruin the integrity of the pee.
  • Air tight is alright - Air is the enemy of food and urine samples, so it's important that the containers seal up tight and that there's as little air as possible in the container with the sample.
  • Thawing it right - The day before you’re to be tested move a couple of frozen containers from the freezer to the fridge. It’s best to do 2 in case something happens to one of them. On the morning of the test remove them from the fridge and put them on the kitchen table for an hour. Then shake them up lightly and nuke them for 5 seconds max on medium. Shake again and take the better looking of the 2 with you.

urine sample container

Once it's thawed, there's no refreezing it so don't even think about it. You may have to rewarm it a bit with a hand warmer or heat pack before submitting it but whatever you do don't put it back in the microwave a second time. It will cause the pee to start breaking down chemically, and you'll be up the creek.

The Scary Drawbacks

  1. First of all, if anyone from work is ever at your home for whatever reason and stumbles upon your urine stash, you're screwed.
  2. facepalmSecond of all, no matter how much you may want to trust your totally innocent pee source, you just never know. They may have had a couple of poppy seed muffins the day before giving you the sample and be unaware that it would cause a positive result for opioids that winds up costing you your job.
  3. And third, if there's a power outage in your neighborhood while you're at work, the samples could wind up partially or completely thaw and then refreeze once the power comes back on. When you then go to use the pee, it's rejected because it started breaking down due to the freeze/thaw cycles.

Is There a Better Way?

If the idea of loading up your freezer with someone else’s piss doesn’t really appeal to you (no matter how well the idea might work for your friend), there are other alternatives with equally high or higher success rates that don’t require you storing pee for months. Synthetic urine is readily available through a host of reputable website for instance. It is chemically identical to real human pee, and you don’t have to mix it up until the day of the test. It also doesn’t cost an arm and a leg and is no more difficult to sneak into the test area than a container of someone else’s pee. Plus you’ll never have to worry about it coming back positive for anything.

So, what is the best brand of synthetic urine you ask? Well, after a bunch of testing, we have concluded that Quick Fix is the best one that we have today. With countless updates to their product, it has stood the test of time and all the technological improvements that the labs have made to their machines. You can easily get one right here, straight from an authorized reseller.

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