This review was last updated in June 2019.
We’ve all been there — that terrible, sinking, I’m-gonna-be-totally-screwed feeling in your gut when you're current, or even worse, future employer tells you that they want you to take a drug test near your area.
Like me, you probably have your work life separated from your private life — and the two should never meet. That is, until the hammer comes down in the form of a urine drug test!
There are a few options you can use to cheat substance screenings in a pinch, but they are not all created equal.
There’s the natural detox option, but that takes time, and time isn't always on our side.
Fact: Homemade drug detox success rates are lower than 20%.
There are supplements and detoxes to flush out your system, but they tend to be pretty unreliable. If I'm honest, those supplements are a bit shady and you shouldn't rely on them alone!
Then, there’s the tried and true synthetic sample. I was a skeptic, but I’m telling you, fake pee is the answer to your prayers.
Not only is it easy to use, but you’re guaranteed to pass the test since it’s formulated to be like human urine (more on that later) and doesn't have a trace of THC/cocaine/whatever in it.
So, let’s take a closer look at how I became such an expert on getting through these problems, the best options for passing, and how to land a job without sacrificing your after-hours fun.
What Are These Products Used For?
If it sounds like I know exactly what I’m talking about, it’s because I do! I was unemployed for a few months and was going heavy on the job hunt, and the post-hunt-blunt if I'm honest.
I had a few interviews but nothing promising, so I spent a weekend partying with my buddies to try to drown (and puff away) my sorrows.
The Monday after my party weekend, I got an email saying that I landed a second and final interview, which included a “standard test.”
Not only that, they wanted me to go in on Thursday! I needed the job, but I knew I had no time to flush my body out naturally.
I went into full research panic mode.
I didn't want to risk it with any pills or supplements (dude, I thought the point was to get through the screening, not take weird pills).
At that point, I knew my only option was fake piss (see our other recommendations here), and I knew I had to go with the best since I only had one chance to pass this test and land a job.
I remembered that my buddies had used a synthetic product in the past, so I turned to them for advice. I also asked the guys in my head shop, figuring they would have knowledge and experience with different products.
One brand came out above all others: Monkey Whizz. Everyone said it was easy to use and extremely reliable. After using it myself, I have to agree. If I can figure out how to use, then anyone can!
Let’s look at the nitty gritty details of how to properly use Monkey Whizz without getting caught.
How Do You Use a Monkey Whizz?
So you've made the smart decision and gone with Serious Monkey Business' urination device. Good choice, Grasshopper.
Monkey Whizz is super easy to use, from the ordering process all the way through to actually getting it ready for use.
Once you order Monkey Whizz, they can ship it to you overnight. This is important if you’re in a rush, as you don’t want to tell ask your potential employer that you’d prefer to push out the urine test date.
There will also be no mention of Monkey Whizz by name on your credit card or on the package, so you don’t have to worry about people around you knowing what you’re up to.
For someone like me, who only had a day or two before going to the designated laboratory, it was an awesome and necessary benefit.
Monkey Whizz comes in two forms: powdered or pre-mixed in a flask. Both versions come with a belt that serves as a holster. They are both the same chemical composition, except the pre-mixed is sterilized.
To prepare the powdered solution, simply put it in warm water and follow the same instructions you would if you were using the premixed solution.
Also, no worries, Monkey Whizz comes with idiot-proof step-by-step instructions - so even though I’m gonna lay them out here, you’ll get fresh instructions delivered right to your door when you order.
Monkey Whizz comes with two heat packs. Open up one and stick it to the outside of the flask, between the bag and the belt.
Wrap the Monkey Whizz kit around your waist, under your clothing. The temperature strip should be touching your skin, and the tube should be pointing to the floor.
Wear the flask for one hour before use to make sure it’s comfortable and the temperature is right.
Remember to check the temperature strip before using Monkey Whizz. The temperature strip should read between 98 to 100 degrees before use. This is the most important part - temperature is one of the main indicators of real or fake pee.
Ideally, do this before you head into the lab, as it would raise suspicion otherwise.
To use it, unfasten the white clips and drain the contents.
Let’s see how this product measures up to its main competitor, The Whizz Kit.
How Does Monkey Whizz Stack Up Against The Whizz Kit?
Even though it receives a lot of attention, Monkey Whizz is not the only brand of artificial product on the market. If you do a little research on your own, you’ll find that Monkey Whizz’s main competitor is The Whizz Kit.
One happy customer from a closed Facebook group said the following.
One of the main benefits of Monkey Whizz vs. the Whizz Kit is that it’s cheaper, although this should never be the main reason as you only have one shot at these tests.
Take into consideration that it can arrive overnight, and you’ll see that Monkey Whizz definitely beats The Whizz Kit in the price and convenience department.
One other awesome thing about Monkey Whizz is its flask size! It’s way smaller than the Whizz Kit. Normally I wouldn't be calling something smaller a bonus, but in this case, it’s easier to use undetected - no matter what kind of supervision you have.
Also, it doesn't require a synthetic penis to use. This means that you can recommend Monkey Whizz to your lady friends AND your buddies.
Lastly, Monkey Whizz contains uric acid and has all the other chemical components of organic pee. This means that it looks, smells, and foams like human urine.
It’ll hold up under scrutiny if the sample is sent to the lab for further testing. The only thing it’s missing is actual human DNA (spoiler- no brand will be able to provide that).
Also, the product is sterile, so it will begin to grow bacteria when exposed to the air (just like urine!).
Frequently Asked Questions
How Do You Wear Monkey Whizz?
You wear Monkey Whizz by using the included elastic belt.
The belt is very comfortable and thin which makes it easy to fit under your clothes. It can also be used for people up to a 54-inch waist, making it suitable for the majority of people.
Does Monkey Whizz Expire?
Yes, Monkey Whizz expires after 12 months.
The reason for this is that some of the water will evaporate resulting in concentration levels that will not pass a standard test. If you are subject to regular tests, then don’t order too many for future use.
Can You Microwave Monkey Whizz?
No, you can’t microwave Monkey Whizz.
You should only use the included heat pack and your body to get it up to the right temperature of about 95F. Using a microwave can damage the pouch and mess with the creatine which can be picked up during testing.
Does Monkey Whizz Have Creatinine?
Yes, Monkey Whiz contains creatinine in the right amount to not trigger fake sample warnings in lab tests.
Does Monkey Whizz Have Uric Acid?
Yes, Monkey Whizz contains an optimum level of uric acid based on average measures in a healthy adult.
The Final Verdict: Does Monkey Whizz Work?
In case you’re not already convinced, let me reassure you - Monkey Whizz will absolutely help you pass your test and is incredibly easy and convenient to use.
I've tried it, my friends tried it, and other people online have provided very positive reviews. It works.
If you aren't convinced yet, go ahead and check out some forums about this stuff, you won't regret it.
It costs $56.99 for the whole kit, flask, and caboodle. This includes:
- The 3.5 oz pouch filled with the sample
- An elastic belt that fits up to a 54 “ waist
- A refillable syringe
- Two heating pads
- And idiot-proof instructions.
Where Can I Buy Monkey Whizz?
Your package will contain enough to pass one urine test, and you should avoid reusing the belt and pouch. This does make it one of the more expensive options, but it’s worth the ease of use and results.
A word to the wise...
Make sure you buy your Monkey Whizz from Serious Monkey Business, and any related products, directly from the manufacturer.
You don’t want to mess around and buy an inferior or expired sample.
If you buy it from the manufacturer, they will be able to send it overnight so that it will be available for your use the next day.
If you need a working sample to pass a urinalysis soon, and you want the best on the market, don’t hesitate.
Buy Monkey Whizz now and try it tomorrow!